Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am,
I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." She replied "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found
a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest
cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason: Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
to prove it."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with
the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd
learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the
maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as
both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
fantasize hat their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry one free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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